Empathy and Compassion Begin at Home
Your toddler hits and screams when he doesn’t get his way. Your five year old often doesn’t seem interested in the feelings of others. What can you do to help them develop a sense of empathy (trying to understand how someone is feeling) and compassion (empathy + taking action to help someone)? Instead of talking about what not to do, try these positive actions below.
Help them understand their emotions. It’s hard to navigate the world without a toolkit to help us understand and control our emotions. Children aren’t born with the toolkit. We have to give it to them by teaching them how to manage anger, resentment, guilt, jealousy, and all the other conflicting feelings. Talk to your children about how they felt when they were not picked for the game. Ask them how another child must have felt when he cried. Teach your children to name their feelings and to come to you to discuss them.
Show compassion for yourself. So many of us are harder on ourselves than we would ever think of being on our friends. We need to extend the same compassion to ourselves that we extend to others. If we fail to make it to a child’s ballgame, we need to soothe ourselves and not beat ourselves up. We need to let go of the idea of being perfect. Nobody is. Kristin Neff, Ph.D., is an expert in what she terms self-compassion. She believes that self-compassion means being aware that you suffer, realizing you are not alone…others feel exactly the same way, and talking to yourself with words of kindness and encouragement. We want our children to move through life by believing in themselves.
Model empathy and compassion. Be kind and considerate of other people. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Seek out others to help. Our children will follow suit as they soak up so much of what they see and overhear. My niece’s nine year old daughter, Madyson, had heard her mother talk about and host gatherings for an organization called Sole Hope which makes shoes for people in Uganda. Based on her mother’s enthusiasm and positive experiences, Madyson decided to host a shoe cutting party with her friends for her birthday. The kids were so into it and loved learning how their efforts were improving the lives of others. Instead of birthday gifts, Madyson asked her friends to donate any amount of money to help Sole Hope ship the materials to Uganda. Without her mother setting the example, Madyson wouldn’t have known about this special way she could help those far from her inner circle.
Read together. Children can learn a lot by reading books that deal with empathy and compassion. There are lots of them, and several of them have been highlighted in the blog Each Kindness. A few others are My Friend is Sad by Mo Willems, Fly Free by Roseanne Thong, Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White, The Hundred Dresses by Eleanor Estes, and The Lion and the Mouse by Jerry Pinckney.
Teach thankfulness. When we’re thankful for what and who we have in our lives, we are much more likely to be happy and, therefore, empathetic and compassionate toward others. We need to teach children gratitude by modeling our own…saying out loud the ways we are grateful. Some families have a gratitude journal they write in every night at the dinner table. Every family member takes a turn and either says or writes something they are grateful for that day. It can be anything. This encourages each of us to reflect on the positives of the day even if we feel it was only one small thing.
You and your child help others together. Bring your child with you when you drop off items at your favorite charity. Ask your child to help you make dinner for a sick friend. Rake your neighbor’s yard, and make it a family event. Make sure you tell your child why you’re donating items, making dinner, or raking a yard. They need to hear those important caring words. Also, they’ll see how good it makes you feel to help others and realize how much better it makes them feel.
